The Beatles would say that “all you need is love”. But Bu Tasya would beg to differ. She’d say that you’d need good communication skills, too. And I whole-heartedly agree with her.
I’ve seen couples break apart because of lack of good communication. I’ve seen friendships that had lasted years abandoned due to either parties’ inability to properly express their feelings. In the end, it didn’t matter that these people had loved each other greatly, tenderly, ardently. Love was the tree that withered and died as proper maintenance in the shape of good communication was not upheld.
But what is “good communication”? A scholarly definition would see good communication as an instance when a message is received as it was intended to be received. But so often a message we send is received incorrectly, or at least, not how we intended for them to be received. A comment on how a friend doesn’t look so good, intended as an expression of concern, may be perceived as a hurtful attack towards their appearance. A suggestion that maybe you should try doing something else is taken as you are incapable of achieving this, you worthless loser, so leave it alone. An honest excuse that I’m not feeling too well tonight, let’s take a rain check?could be falsely heard as I’m tired and bored of spending time with you.
And that’s even if we’ve managed to get the words out. Sometimes some things are harder to push out of your lips. Little phrases, like I’m sorry, or you’ve upset me. Or bigger things, like thoughts, feelings, or opinions you hold strongly, but just can’t seem to put into words. Or when you do manage to formulate the sentences in your head, they sound so stupid or weak or whiny or desperate that you never utter them aloud. Or when you do finally say them, they’re perceived wrongly; a tentative proposal to improve situations or talk things out is seen as a critical attack and is countered with more hurtful critiques, defensive explanations, or, worst of all, a complete shutdown.
But communication is a two-way street. There are message-senders, and there are message-receivers. When the other party talks, it isn’t rare that we interpret their message incorrectly, too. Sometimes it’s because of unfortunately chosen words, tones, or gestures that accompanies the message delivery. Other times it’s our own inability to objectively interpret the message and accept it. It’s hard to listen to a comment that we perceive as a critique without getting defensive and riled up about it. It’s harder to accept that it was your fault. It’s hardest to admit you were in the wrong. And when we respond, 99% of the time we’re saying things like I’m not lazy! or It isn’t my fault I was late, I had too much work to do! or I may be lazy, but at least I’m not careless! instead of something like huh, you’re right. I was wrong. What can I do to work on it? Looks like Elton John did get it right; sorry does seem to be the hardest word.
With all these landmines to dance precariously around, I find myself nodding my head in complete agreement when Bu Tasya proclaimed that “kemampuan mencari pacar itu biasa. Tapi kalo kemampuan mempertahankan pasangan itu luar biasa.”
I’ve witnessed myself how relationships can be slowly unraveled by little but many miscommunications, like a boulder on a sea cliff gradually chipped away by little but many waves. Until at one point, the last wave hits the boulder and shatters it into pieces, not because the wave was particularly bigger or stronger than the others, but because the boulder now has so many holes in it, it really didn’t need much to give it the final push that would break it apart.
(At this point of writing, I’m feeling so depressed that I actually just sighed ever-so-dramatically.)
Bad communication often leads to an argument. An argument left unresolved is like a dirty plate left on the sink (let’s assume that you don’t have a dish-washer, or anyone to clean up after you). If you leave it unwashed, it’s going to be harder to clean later on, what with the stains sticking stubbornly. It’s going to bother you with its unsightliness (yep that’s actually a word, I checked), and it might even start to smell. It can become a home for other unpleasantness, like bugs or something. And worse of all, it can pile up; you can put dirty dish after dirty dish without cleaning them and next thing you know you have a mountain of them. At this point you have two options. One, move out of the house altogether and get a brand new one with a new kitchen and an empty sink to put new dirty dishes on. Two, you can start doing your damn dishes. Pick up the damn sponge and soap and start cleaning. It’s going to be a lot of work, and it’ll probably be gross and highly unpleasant. And elbow-deep in the soap suds you might think gee, it would’ve been so much easier and less gross if I ‘d just washed each dirty dish as they came along, and you’d be right. In the same way, we can avoid an explosive argument that often leads to a horrible break up if we just resolve each little miscommunication that came our way. These can be very difficult to do, but it’ll be well worth it in the long run. And along the way, we’d (hopefully) improve our communication skills, too, leading to less arguments and a healthier, more enjoyable relationship.
I wish I could end this by giving out some pointers on how to be a good communicator, or a 10-steps-to-resolving-arguments guide. But I can’t, because I’m still working on it, too. (Well alright, I suppose if I wasn’t so lazy I could pull out my communications textbook and summarize some chapters, but I think this post is long enough already. And also I’m lazy.) I think I’ll be working on my communication skills until I die. I don’t know how I feel about having to work on something so challenging for the rest of my life, but it is something I’m willing to do if it means I won’t have to fight, argue, or part ways with the people I love. And I hope it’s something you’re willing to do, too.
16 Feb 2014
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