Dating is an entirely foreign concept to me. Literally. As of the time I am writing this blog post, I have never been on a single date in my entire life, and thus can safely say that whatever knowledge I have of dating comes from tales told, occurrences observed, and textbook theories read. Hopefully, this gives me an objective perspective to answer a question posed on one of the presentation slides in our fifth class of Sexual Behavior, “Dating: Fun or Serious Business?”
If I were to write down a list of the top ten topics my friends and I most often discuss, ‘dating’ would definitely be included in the list. It would probably even make it to the top five. You’d think that all the time we’ve spent discussing dating and relationships and all things related would make me feel more knowledgeable, but if anything they’ve probably left me more confused. There are so many version of what’s right and wrong, what’s good or bad, what’s ideal and what isn’t, that I’m pretty sure no two person has the exact same perspective on dating or relationships. But in general, there are some encompassing themes that most can agree on.
One of them is that dating is/can be/should be fun. Dating is probably one of the most highly romanticized concepts out there, as can be seen from endless romantic art depictions including prose, poems, paintings, films, and such of the courtship dance. And this is only natural. Dating begins with the exciting time when you narrow in to a specific someone. It could be their looks, their sense of humor, their intelligence, or the charisma and appeal that just oozes out of them; for whatever reason, you feel drawn to them, and (if you’re bold enough) attempt to get closer to them. Then, if the interest and attraction is mutual, you’ll get to spend time with this new fascinating person in your life and discover new things about them. You go on dates, talk about whatever comes into mind, and generally have a great, exhilarating time in each other’s company. And when it starts becoming more tiresome and annoying than fun, and you’ve decided it isn’t worth your time and effort to keep at it, you move on to the next dating adventure.
Another somewhat opposing view is that dating should be taken seriously. This side of the table sees dating as something like an audition process, in which the winner gets the grand prize of spending the rest of their life with you in a life-long committed relationship. Dating is the time to get to know your significant other and consider if the both of you are compatible enough to have a future together. Can you see yourself starting a family with this person? Is he/she a reliable person you can trust? Can you be happy with your significant other? Those with this view are often future-oriented; they plan ahead to what their future will be like, and consider carefully how dating helps them get to the future they want (ie. finding the right partner to build a future with).
So which view is better? Dating for fun, or dating seriously? Well, neither. Both views has its pros and cons. One view can fit a person’s beliefs, interests, and values better than the other, and vice versa. A person more interested in living a carefree life, untied to long-term commitments would say that dating should be fun, and balk at the thought of dating seriously. A person ready and eager to find that special other and start a committed relationship would be tired of dating solely for fun, and will take dating more seriously.
I have friends or acquaintances who are serial daters, and hop from one date/boyfriend/girlfriend to the next. They’re main concern is to have fun, preferably with that guy/girl who caught their eye and is exciting to be with. They want to find a companion they can spend time with, someone to care for and who cares for them. They don’t fuss too much about whether their partner at the time is someone they can have a future with. They’re not specifically seeking and selecting only those who they deem are qualified to be their long-time partner. On the other hand, I know persons who are looking for precisely that; a long-time partner. They’re not interested in wasting their time with people who they can’t see themselves having a future with. They’d rather have that one person they can spend the rest of their life with, or have no one at all.
This is not to say that you have to be either/or in the fun/serious attitudes of dating. You can be both, too. My aunts are the closest examples I could think of of girls who started out with dating for fun, and gradually growing more serious with their dating until they settled on the men who would be their husbands. And aside from finding your soul-mate on the first try and living a happily-ever-after life with them, I personally feel this is probably the best combination you can be so lucky to experience. Dating can be a form of ‘practice’ for you to hone your relationship skills with, to prepare you for that time when you’re part of a committed relationship. You can learn how to communicate better, how to deal with fights or arguments, how to balance the giving and taking, how to interact with another person intimately, and learn to get accustomed to having a significant other in your life. You can learn from the mistakes of previous relationships. And you can learn from the things you did right, too. Just as importantly, dating gives you a chance to have fun and explore the romance world without the intimidating or permanent commitments. Learn which activities are wicked fun to do, and are great ways to bond with your partner. Learn what you like, or don’t like. Through dating, you can discover and define your identity as an individual, and as a partner.
In the end, whatever dating attitude you choose to hold, make sure to choose the one that stays truest to who you are and your values, and gives you your peace of mind. Others will have their opinions, and may judge you for your choices. But don’t let those dictate how you should live your life, especially when it holds you back from being happy.
So should dating be fun, or serious business?
16 Maret 2014
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